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  • Blog 'Depression'
    Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros

    So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.

    Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

    Visualizing the road ahead

    Entry Added: 4 days ago By: Saros

    Years ago when I lived the midwest I used to visualize leaving... I used to see myself getting on the highway and driving west, driving away, far away from where I was, from what my life was. It wasn't driving to anything, but away from everything.

    One day it eventually happened, the moment I got on that highway and left for the last time leaving the life that was behind me just like I visualized, and here I am now, on the west coast. People ask me why I came out here. I tell them for many reasons, but easiest to summarize that I didn't want to die in the midwest. They accept that answer, moreso than they would accept the truth -- I came out here TO die. I wanted to go all the way to the coast. Stare out at the ocean horizon with the mass of the country behind me, my back to a country that turned out to be an utter lie, in which I lived a life that amounted to nothing, and leave it behind me as I go out for the last time.

    I've visualized that too. Dying on the coast. I've picked out the music I'll listen to, the pictures I'll look at, the very very few messages I'll send out automatically from my phone sometime after I'm gone, how my assets will be distributed to my heirs, the day I'm going to do it, the place, and the method. Even the disposition of my remains, paid for in advance.

    People ask why do you visualize negative things, why not focus on positive things. Its because my death is one of the very few things I actually have control over. Everything else is an illusion, a vicious mirage, causing me to put myself at disadvantage for false gain. I'm tired of it, tired of the duplicity. My life has gone nothing like I'd hoped. I want at least my death to go according to plan.

    And I can see it, crisp and vivid. There are times when I feel I almost can't wait till the appointed day. I don't have a gun. I think that if I did there's a good chance I'd be gone already.
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    Haven't posted anything in awhile

    Entry Added: 5 days ago By: Saros

    The piercing agony has become more like a dull ache. I recognize I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable around my ex g/f anymore -- we've lost that connection. Its more missing the memory of what we once had -- a life and a world we created around us that has vanished and left only a remnant memory. So many things provoke it -- music, a familiar place, a word, certain foods.

    Having had two "soul mates" in 50 years, averaging one every 25, it seems fairly unlikely I'll be seeing the next one in my remaining time. Possible but unlikely. The last third of your life is the least of them -- the old, tired, senile, incontinent, chronic illness, balding third. Not exactly the prime of your life to be attracting soul mates.

    What I really struggle with is a reason to be. When one loses a passion and joy for anything and everything and no longer has obligations to sustain oneself, indeed has more reason to "not be" than otherwise, what really is the point? Were that this planet were peaceful and harmonious, a listless day would at least be tolerable, but as each day brings yet more outrage, injustice, inequity, greed, violence, waste, and stupidity as well documented on this site, it does feel utterly pointless to go on.

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    The Twin Transition Zones of My Personal Hell

    Entry Added: Apr-19-2014 By: Saros

    Gotta unload this so I can shut my mind down for the night. I go through two mental transition zones a day; once when I wake up, once when I go to bed. They're the book ends that separate my living horror and my sleeping nightmares. In these zones I process my grief and regrets, over and over again. So many, big and small. I'm going to list them to finally put them down, give them a place to be outside of my head. Maybe I can get some rest. Have been so exhausted of this life for so long now.

    In reverse chronological order,

    I'm sorry baby that I broke your heart, and that I lost you, my soul mate.
    I'm sorry that I came into your life at all. At least I wouldn't be responsible for another pain in your life.
    I'm sorry that I hurt another woman who loved me.
    I'm sorry that I hurt another woman who loved me before that.
    I'm sorry that I hurt my ex-wife; broke my vows to her.
    I'm sorry that I brought two innocent lives into a very fucked up world.
    I'm sorry that I married a woman who loved me, and set her down a road of heartbreak.

    I'm sorry that I broke another woman's heart before that.
    I'm sorry that I went into engineering instead of doing something else.
    I'm sorry that I failed my suicide bid 30 years ago, my biggest regret of all.

    I regret all of those things. I seem to have had many women who loved me. I don't know why. I deserved none of them. I'm tired. Now let me sleep.
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