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  • Blog 'Depression'
    Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros

    So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.

    Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

    "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

    Entry Added: Oct-19-2014 By: Saros

    Every time someone posts a suicide video someone comes along and pops that charming bit of wisdom into the forum. I totally agree. How many times have we watched a shitty movie for 45 minutes and decided to stick with it till the end because its just a temporary shitty scene we're enduring and walking out is permanently quitting on that movie. Stick it out!

    Many years ago I sat down with my father and told him about this great movie - Saving Private Ryan. Told him it was amazing and I happened to have a copy with me. We sat down to watch it and of course after the first horrifying Normandy Beach scene he wanted to leave. I said wait! wait! It gets better! So we watched some more and there was calamity after calamity, he wanted to leave again. I said no no, it gets better, this movie is brilliant! He grudgingly sat down and some 2/3's into the movie there's that knife fight between an American and German soldier and the German slowly sinks the knife into the American's chest. My father couldn't take any more and got up and left.

    I sat there alone thinking huh... he was right... it never does get any better.

    There are bad scenes to endure in otherwise good movies. And then there are shitty movies that test your patience until you decide to cut your losses. We've all done it. Some lives are like that.
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    Visualizing the road ahead

    Entry Added: Sep-18-2014 By: Saros

    Years ago when I lived the midwest I used to visualize leaving... I used to see myself getting on the highway and driving west, driving away, far away from where I was, from what my life was. It wasn't driving to anything, but away from everything.

    One day it eventually happened, the moment I got on that highway and left for the last time leaving the life that was behind me just like I visualized, and here I am now, on the west coast. People ask me why I came out here. I tell them for many reasons, but easiest to summarize that I didn't want to die in the midwest. They accept that answer, moreso than they would accept the truth -- I came out here TO die. I wanted to go all the way to the coast. Stare out at the ocean horizon with the mass of the country behind me, my back to a country that turned out to be an utter lie, in which I lived a life that amounted to nothing, and leave it behind me as I go out for the last time.

    I've visualized that too. Dying on the coast. I've picked out the music I'll listen to, the pictures I'll look at, the very very few messages I'll send out automatically from my phone sometime after I'm gone, how my assets will be distributed to my heirs, the day I'm going to do it, the place, and the method. Even the disposition of my remains, paid for in advance.

    People ask why do you visualize negative things, why not focus on positive things. Its because my death is one of the very few things I actually have control over. Everything else is an illusion, a vicious mirage, causing me to put myself at disadvantage for false gain. I'm tired of it, tired of the duplicity. My life has gone nothing like I'd hoped. I want at least my death to go according to plan.

    And I can see it, crisp and vivid. There are times when I feel I almost can't wait till the appointed day. I don't have a gun. I think that if I did there's a good chance I'd be gone already.
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    Haven't posted anything in awhile

    Entry Added: Sep-17-2014 By: Saros

    The piercing agony has become more like a dull ache. I recognize I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable around my ex g/f anymore -- we've lost that connection. Its more missing the memory of what we once had -- a life and a world we created around us that has vanished and left only a remnant memory. So many things provoke it -- music, a familiar place, a word, certain foods.

    Having had two "soul mates" in 50 years, averaging one every 25, it seems fairly unlikely I'll be seeing the next one in my remaining time. Possible but unlikely. The last third of your life is the least of them -- the old, tired, senile, incontinent, chronic illness, balding third. Not exactly the prime of your life to be attracting soul mates.

    What I really struggle with is a reason to be. When one loses a passion and joy for anything and everything and no longer has obligations to sustain oneself, indeed has more reason to "not be" than otherwise, what really is the point? Were that this planet were peaceful and harmonious, a listless day would at least be tolerable, but as each day brings yet more outrage, injustice, inequity, greed, violence, waste, and stupidity as well documented on this site, it does feel utterly pointless to go on.

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