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  • Blog 'Depression'
    Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros

    So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.

    Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

    The Twin Transition Zones of My Personal Hell

    Entry Added: Apr-19-2014 By: Saros

    Gotta unload this so I can shut my mind down for the night. I go through two mental transition zones a day; once when I wake up, once when I go to bed. They're the book ends that separate my living horror and my sleeping nightmares. In these zones I process my grief and regrets, over and over again. So many, big and small. I'm going to list them to finally put them down, give them a place to be outside of my head. Maybe I can get some rest. Have been so exhausted of this life for so long now.

    In reverse chronological order,

    I'm sorry baby that I broke your heart, and that I lost you, my soul mate.
    I'm sorry that I came into your life at all. At least I wouldn't be responsible for another pain in your life.
    I'm sorry that I hurt another woman who loved me.
    I'm sorry that I hurt another woman who loved me before that.
    I'm sorry that I hurt my ex-wife; broke my vows to her.
    I'm sorry that I brought two innocent lives into a very fucked up world.
    I'm sorry that I married a woman who loved me, and set her down a road of heartbreak.

    I'm sorry that I broke another woman's heart before that.
    I'm sorry that I went into engineering instead of doing something else.
    I'm sorry that I failed my suicide bid 30 years ago, my biggest regret of all.

    I regret all of those things. I seem to have had many women who loved me. I don't know why. I deserved none of them. I'm tired. Now let me sleep.
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    Watched a posted video about depression...

    Entry Added: Apr-4-2014 By: Saros

    And this is what came to mind...
    I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'm on a different planet than the one I was born on. I feel alienated and disconnected from the culture, this country, and this entire planet. I can't relate to it or understand it. I don't want to conform myself to the mindless existence that is standard daily "living". The way my mind wants to be in this world is not the way the world works; they are mutually incompatible. My nights are filled with vivid, lurid nightmares, my days grappling with overwhelming alienation, hence I'm frequently tired as I never really experience rest.

    It makes me irritable which is why I go off on angry rants here so often. It feels and probably is incurable. It raises the existential question -- am I a sane person living in an insane world, or am I the one that is insane. It doesn't matter obviously, but the indefinite paradox can foment confusion and dismay, and inescapably, depression.
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    "Suicide is the new retirement"

    Entry Added: Jan-29-2014 By: Saros

    Phrase that will come into popular usage in the next 5-15 years.
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