My contributions on this site tend to be snide remarks, black humor, and political rants. I do that here so I can be pleasant around the women I shoot. Since some of you have been sharing some of your
By: Saros | Comments: 56 | Views: 10151 | Votes: 12 | Shared: 0
Leaked: Sep-24-2013 in Creative, Other Entertainment, Other Items from Liveleakers, Other
Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros
So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.
Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.
So I decided to get some medsEntry Added: 5 days ago By: Saros
I'd reached a point where I've become almost non functional. And having come out here to start a business, a lot of things were falling through the cracks. I decided if I'm going to be fair about this, giving myself any kind of chance at success, I should really try. I mean TRY. Like my life depended on it, because it kind of does. So I got some meds -- Wellbutrin. I've had that before years ago and I could barely tell the difference. This time though I think I've sunk so low that it has made a remarkable difference in about 3 weeks.
I've been working hard, gotten a lot done. I still despair at times but I'm able to push through whereas before I slept a lot and put it off to another day.
Couple nights ago I thought of the few people I can say love me. I don't really have any friends. But there are 7 people who love me. And for the first time I started to look past my anguish and think of what their lives would be like without me. I'm physically very far away, and I have been detached emotionally. But I could see in my mind their anguish and heartbreak and lingering sadness if I was gone. I also then got emotional for the final blow of sadness I would be responsible for in their lives. I believe the meds have made me functional enough to actually be aware now the path I'm going. Its not good. I've painted myself into a corner, and in order to avoid that explosion of sadness to the few people who still love me, I have to try very hard to make this work. I have to try to live, to succeed the best I can. And that puts an urgency and determination in my spirit. Calls that went uncalled are now made. Analyses that went unattended are now considered. My mind feels sharper now.
I still despair, and now as I was afraid might happen, I actually fear death. Both for the others but also for myself. I fear the long slide into it that I'm headed in. I have to start over and try to make something of this. If I fail, I fail. So be it. I made my bed, I will accept the consequences. But I want to try hard to succeed rather than coast into failure.
Thank you to all those who've stopped by to encourage me, spur me on, try to pull me out of my darkness. You have been very kind. There is a humanness in you that is often lacking in some of the videos posted on this site. The human empathy and compassion for a fallen soul is one of the things that makes us human. Thank you for that.You need to be registered in order to add comments!
The mystery of "closure"Entry Added: Oct-8-2013 By: Saros
I think now I understand what that statement means. I guess its something you never want to have to learn the meaning of personally.
Every time a body is discovered and identified, there is always discussion of "closure" for the family. I never understood what that meant, though I of course sympathized with their loss. To me, if someone has been missing for years, its pretty obvious they've died. THOUGH, there have been happy instances where people have been found alive, Elizabeth Smart being the most notable example as well as plenty others.
I suppose in the back of the minds of the missing person's family, you hold out a glimmer of hope that that person is still alive somewhere. Its that glimmer that keeps people from "moving on" and letting go. Its that glimmer that keeps this persistent glow that maybe somehow, its *possible* they might come back. It keeps their memories alive, and those vibrant memories cause them to miss them all the more, and keeps a continuing presence of pain in their lives. When their body is discovered, the pain is immediate and horrific, but the natural healing process can start to take place. One accepts now that that person is not coming back. The memories can stay, but they become... "memories"... of good times, not of times that one wishes would come back some day. They're never coming back so they can let those memories "die" and stop causing that persistent pain.
I just experienced a taste of that with my ex g/f. Its not the same; she's not dead. But I have been mourning our bond for a long time. And now I know we'll never be together again. And it hurts like a bitch. But I think I can see how I'm going to move on with a circumspect acceptance.
"Closure" is the grieving process resumed.
Lesson learned. Painfully.You need to be registered in order to add comments!
So she's seeing somebodyEntry Added: Oct-8-2013 By: Saros
My ex-g/f. Chatted with her this morning and she finally tells me after my incessant reminiscing of all our good times in the past that she's seeing somebody.
The piercing anguish of seeing that small, less than 1% glimmer of hope finally collapse and vanish is blinding, like a physical impact that knocks you breathless and burns your vision white with a searing stroke. I'm swimming in a delusional vortex of loss, emptiness, meaninglessness. Why am I here, in this location, why am I here on this planet, what hope do I have of ever finding sense and purpose again, how will I ever find that someone who can make the rest of this horrid world go away with their presence alone.
I feel weak, vulnerable, and confused. My mind is a jumble of chaos. I want to sleep forever, but sleep too is no escape from a tormented soul. I want to subdue and kill my mind that the pain would stop, but then how would I heal? How would I get on in a cold, empty world. Indeed how.
I am alone. Bitterly alone.You need to be registered in order to add comments!
You need to be registered in order to add comments!