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  • Blog 'Depression'
    Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros

    So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.

    Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

    Lightning Strikes Twice?

    Entry Added: Feb-5-2016 By: Saros

    So a new development has occurred in my life saga. A woman has walked into my life that bears a striking similarity in spirit to the love of my life from whom I parted 4 years ago. This new person is:

    • Intelligent
    • Snarky and fiesty
    • Stridently independent
    • Thinks much like a man but wears a woman's body
    • Eminently gorgeous girly girl
    • Seems completely enamored with me

    These are the same traits as the woman who I considered my soul mate from 4 years ago. I have lived in anguish in the wake of walking away from her, grieving that I would never again find a woman who loved me as much as she did, with the qualities that I so admired in her.

    And yet, eerily here she seems to be. Almost the same person in a new, strikingly beautiful skin. In a matter of a couple of weeks I've gone from hopelessly despairing to being inspired with new hope and a desire to live again. I had always presumed that my soul mate was a one off creation but now seemingly there is evidence that perhaps she is more a member of a sisterhood of sorts, of a rare breed of women.

    After utterly fucking up that relationship due to a negligent indifference to my good fortune, I am going to try very fucking hard not to take this new opportunity for granted. Life has beaten the living shit out of me. It feels as if the universe has looked down on my misery and decided I had suffered enough and offered me a second chance.
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    Entry Added: Dec-15-2015 By: Saros

    Whenever I think about freedom -- actual liberty -- I throw my hands up in disgust at how little liberty we actually have. Our constitutional liberties are constantly violated. Every candidate for high office lies their way through the campaign only to assume the role of chief warden of our open air prison. With little exception I find little difference among the many countries. They are all basically thug syndicates shaking down their own constituents while waging turf wars with each other.

    It occurred to me that this all occurs on land for the most part. While governments guard their borders, 70% of the planet's surface is given up as "international waters". More or less a "no-man's land".

    That's meaningful to me because as a photographer who sometimes shoots on location, I'm acutely aware that EVERYWHERE I shoot is owned by someone or something -- private or public property. Public in the sense that it falls under the dominion of a government somewhere. In other words, someone can always tell me to GTFO of there.

    But on the water... international waters... you can be out there and NO ONE can tell you to GTFO. There is no official authority to say you can't be there. And that is the MAJORITY of the surface of the planet.

    In a sense, all of the livable land mass of the world has been appropriated (save for places like the antarctic and perhaps some desert regions), but MOST of the planet surface is still available. Interestingly, there is food swimming beneath you, and you can shit back into the water.

    If you had a boat big enough -- one that could support a wind generator for power, one that could de-salinate water -- you could be largely independent. Get the fuck away from people, from governments and authorities, eat what you catch, and be free.

    The counter argument is you might be bored as fuck to live like this. But I do believe this describes the most freedom still available on this planet. All you have to do is earn enough money to buy such a boat. I was surprised to find they're not as expensive as I had imagined. You can get a very nice used one for as little as $50k. That's not an impossible number to achieve.

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    If I was God...

    Entry Added: Sep-5-2015 By: Saros

    I would have made reality differently. The bitterness of life is making decisions without foreknowledge, and being committed to the consequences because time only flows in one direction. What an evil reality that is.

    All of us would like to take back something we did or said, or go back before something happened, perhaps the loss of a loved one, and relive those times.

    There was a time some 4 1/2 years ago that I could say I had never been happier in my life before, and not since have I been remotely. That was when I took this photo, and was with this woman. She was my soul mate, my ray of sunshine, my lover, and my world.


    Would that I could rewind my life and go back to that time and live in that absolute contentment. Fork off a separate universe from the way things turned out, and stayed in that zone with her. Why couldn't we do that. Why would you create a world that allows joy for some, and wretched misery for others?

    Sometimes in the twilight of my evening when the reason of my mind is fading, I allow myself to wonder whether dying doesn't restore our consciousness somewhere else -- some other life, some other planet, some other universe. And if we had a choice, why not some other reality that is the most content moment of our lives.

    Sometimes it feels like I could wish so hard as to force my desire to be true, bending reality to my will. I remember there were rare times when I felt an impending reality about to come true -- something I wanted, and it was so, almost magically. I have literally dreamed of reconciliation, and been horrifically awakened into a despairing reality.

    I sit here typing my thoughts in the early morning hours of the night because my grief forbids me my sleep. Again I'm forced to spill my inner being on this site to relieve myself of my demons. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. That it is irreparably harmed by the circumstances I'm forced to accept, and of my own doing, all the more to my despair.

    Take me. Why do you torment me with this bitter life. Release me, or take me. But do not keep me bound in your nightmarish vision of my worst mistakes.
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