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  • Blog 'Depression'
    Added: Aug-23-2013 By: Saros

    So yeah I suffer from depression. Have had it on and off all my life but full swing for the last couple years. I used to be big into chicks which is where I got the pic for my background as well as a few others. But the last couple years have gone badly enough that I think I kinda burned that out. I don't have a passion for that anymore which is the last one I had.

    Now I have passion and motivation for NOTHING. So yeah... I find just living to be kind of a challenge even though I should be grateful I'm not living in fucking Syria or some other middle eastern shit hole. We have the NSA and this shit ass government but at least body parts are not getting blown off on a daily basis so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

    A Dweam Within a Dweam

    Entry Added: Mar-27-2015 By: Saros

    But not in a good way. Dreamed I was working on a really jacked up furnace/water heater contraption in my house that was in danger of falling over. I kept trying to shore it up and somehow with all the jostling the whole thing just fell over ripping pipes in the process. As dreams can be irrational, water started spewing from everywhere. I ran upstairs and water was flooding the kitchen screaming out of broken pipes. I ran upstairs another flight and water was flooding down the stairs and buckling the ceilings with the weight of rushing water. At that point I felt despair like I have destroyed my home.

    In a wild hare of desperation I stood there and asked myself if this is just a really bad dream if I could will myself awake... and I did. Into the reality of my living nightmare.

    That of a business that has no chance of succeeding, of diminishing funds in my retirement accounts, of lack of employable skills, of a joy of life, of the irrevocable loss of love of a gorgeous soul-mate, of the harrowing acknowledgment that I will not see the age of 52.

    How often I have wished I could will myself awake from this unbending reality, but this is no dream. This is a nightmare reality. I have learned to fall into an uneasy detente with it but its a cruel experience to wake up from one nightmare into another.
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    I was all ready to go to Bolivia

    Entry Added: Mar-24-2015 By: Saros

    And then the natives tell me its dried up. So I think fuck, I'm not traveling half way around the world to see a dry salt flat, I can do that shit in Utah. So I flew there instead. And its FLOODED! WTF. I didn't know the salt flats flood there. So I took some shots. Turned out OK.

    Now I never need to fly to Bolivia. Fuck them.
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    I'm going to Bolivia

    Entry Added: Feb-3-2015 By: Saros

    Because fuck it. I've wanted to go for a long time. Someone offered to go with me so I have someone to shoot there. I expect the photos to be pretty damned good. And if not, so what. Fuck it. Kinda my last hurrah. All in, so to speak. If this year goes well and I can wave these shots around, maybe it amounts to something. Maybe my hell ride stabilizes and pulls up before hitting the ground. I'd say there's still about an even chance, 50/50 flip of the coin. Could go either way. And either way, I'm prepared. If I succeed, I face ... the rest of my life and what's to come. If I fail, I can say I've done everything I wanted to do -- shot an eclipse, went to Bolivia, fucked a shit load of girls, some of them exquisitely beautiful, and thumbed my nose at the man.

    They say life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. I don't think they understand what that really means. It means when those moments are finished, then you're done. I'm not here to live as long as I can, because I hate people, I hate this country, and I hate this planet. Fuck everyone and everything, I don't need to make this last as long as possible. I just need to squeeze every last good moment out of this shit hole planet and shit ass life, and I'm good.

    So I'm going cos fuck it. This is what the place looks like. I wanna see it. I'm going.

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