ATTENTION, MUSLIMS: HOW TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IN 12 EASY STEPS:
1. Stop blaming America. It’s your fault. Not ours.
2. Recognize Israel. Despite what your propaganda says, the Jews are nice and amiable people and will gratefully trade their knowledge and products with you. The territorry of Israel was a desert in 1948. Now it’s the most productive land in the Middle East. The territorry of the West Bank and Gaza was fertile land. Now it’s a shithole. It’s not the land. It’s how you use it.
3. Have your universities teach things more meaningful than Islamic studies. American power isn’t derived from Christian fundamentalism. It’s derived from the way our system rewards inventiveness, which is why we’re at the cutting edge.
4. Stop subjugating women. You’re depriving your countries of half the human resources.
5. Stop control of the press. The American government can improve because problems can be pointed out and acted upon. If you pretend you live in a utopia, you’ll end up living in a dystopia.
6. Stop sponsoring terrorism. Ann Coulter nonwithstanding, we don’t want to conquer you and convert you to Christianity. But if you decide to fight us, we’ll fight, and we’ll win.
7. Condemn terrorism vocally. This is to all Muslims, whether in the Muslim countries or in the West. Organize “Not In Our Name” protests. We want to believe Islam is a Religion of Peace. But as long as the facts speak otherwise, we have a problem.
8. When the money we give you doesn’t do shit improving the country, instead of asking for more, find out where it went. This will be helped if you do #5 first.
9. Demand accountability from your leaders. That’s how America works. That makes us strong. What you have to do:
Iraqis: Ask Saddam why is it that you are starving and are sent off to die in wars you have no say in starting while Saddam builds lavish palaces.
Iranians: Ask the mullahs why they aren’t listening to any of these protests.
Jordanians: Ask why the army supresses political opposition.
Syrians: Ask why your leaders control Lebanon and drag the economies of BOTH countries to hell.
Saudis: Ask why the royal family takes so much of your country’s income, but still needs Americans to protect their asses.
Kuwaitis: Ask why your government allows terrorists to kill Americans. You know, if Americans left, Iraqis will come back. You wouldn’t want that, would you?
Palestinians: Ask Arafat what is it, exactly, that the intifada gave you except death, starvation, and absolute economic ruin.
10. Implement some sort of democracy. It will help #4, #5, and #9.
11. Have someone translate Victor Davis Hanson’s Carnage and Culture. It’ll provide you with a good insight into not just your militaries, but most of your problems.
12. End cargo cultism. You all pretend you have modern nation-states. You don’t. You have tribal oligarchies. That’s the problem. You have “parliaments” and “presidents” and “elections” and airliners, and cars, and cities, but you don’t have the stuff behind it. Donald Rumsfeld said that the September 11th hijackers destroyed something they could never have build using technologies they could never have developed. Nothing truer has ever been spoken. We have a powerful military and a prosperous economy because of capitalism, freedom, and an education system based on reason. You have an Islamic version of socialism, subjugation of women and non-Muslims, and an education based on a 7th century text. Our government, is, on the whole, less corrupt than yours. We solve problems, instead of blaming others. Admit it: it’s not American imperialism. It’s the fact that you are ruled by corrupt tribal oligarchies, the fact that half your population is denied education, the fact that you are fixated on a text that has no relevance to the modern world, and the fact that your rulers stay in power by directing your discontent outward. Admit it. Deal with it.
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