After decades of bending over backwards, the US is hoping that full on oral sex may better appease its demanding ally
The Obama administration has promised to provide Israel with 2.3 billion fellatios – also known as “blow jobs” – as recompense for failing to stop the rest of the world from voting Palestine into UNESCO.
The 2.3 billion fellatios are expected to be performed personally by
President Obama himself – a feat that would take him approximately 30631
years to complete, presuming the average time to orgasm from fellatio
is seven minutes.
At this time it remains unclear whether any
single human being is capable of ingesting that much Israeli seminal
fluid, even if over a period of thirty millennia. Nevertheless, Obama
has promised Israelis “change we can believe in” in terms of their oral
It is understood that Israeli President Netanyahu
will be standing by President Obama’s side throughout the ordeal,
patting his back in support while noting the various reported
nutritional benefits implicated in the act.
The acceptance of
Palestine into UNESCO is seen as a serious threat to Israeli sovereignty
and the peace process, as the organization’s stated purpose is “to
contribute to peace and security by promoting international
collaboration through education, science and culture in order to further
universal respect for justice, the rule of law, and human rights” -- a clear danger.
White House spokesperson elucidated the point: “This is a stark
conflict of interest. Palestinians need to choose: do they want peace
with Israel, or do they want to just join organizations that promote
peace? Which is it exactly?”
The White House also noted that this
was not a good time for Palestine to be “preserving its few remaining
cultural sites using UNESCO,” as these sites were likely to be
demolished anyway to make room for more Jewish settlements.
feminist groups in Israel have complained that the compensation package
is void of any cunnilingus -- better known as “muff diving” -- and have
accused Washington of blatant sexism.
The White House has
responded to the allegations by noting that any sizable
cunnilingus-based package would simply require far more time to
complete, adding that President Obama already has a stiff neck from the
number of times he “turned the other cheek” after being bitch slapped by
President Netanyahu in the past months alone.
It is expected
that the US will perform a far more kinky sex move to stop Palestine
from receiving full recognition as a state at the UN Security Council
later this month. The act will involve President Obama donkey slapping most of the world’s representatives in order to stop their vote from counting. This move is also known as a “veto”.Source: http://elkoshary.com/international/us-offers-israel-23-billion-fellatios-compensation-palestine-joining-unesco
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