This tickled my funny bone, and it's completely genuine!



Now, IF this is a re-post, then immediately leave an assinine and suitably vitriolic comment, get yourself self actualized. I can use the laughs.







On a Kulula flight, (there is no
assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it
!"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On
landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something
we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

>From a
Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate
your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula
Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make
sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome
message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing
in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was
quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a
Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The
Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or
were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in
Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula
Airways."
---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em."