"Anarchist: Someone who advocates the abolition of the state, private property, and anything else that prevents him from feeling good about himself. Like a political two-year old, he will throw a fit if he doesn’t get what he wants – or throw bombs instead.
Anarchists are widely regarded by conservatives as the intellectual scum of the leftist underworld. Typically recruited at a very young age, these creatures travel in herds (typically called “blocs”) and boast a very strict dress code. But behind this seemingly stylish post-apocalyptic neo-bank robber look lie very practical reasons for each and every fashion choice and accessory. Because anonymity is their overriding fashion principle, the great lengths Anarchists go to remain anonymous often end with very entertaining results. Baseball caps are a favorite, and will afford them the shade and cover they so desperately crave. Rarely will you ever find any type of insignia emblazoned on the front, since it would most likely represent a business entity, anathema to our Anarchist specimen. Colors other than black and dark blue are rare. The hat is often coupled with the bandana. Favorite among trick-or-treating bandits from the fifties, which has been brought back into vogue by this species. Primarily this is useful for them in concealing their identity, but it also serves as a crude protection against tear gas attack. An anarchist has to scowl pretty hard to overcome the utter absurdity of their bandana
face mask. Since most specimens fail to do so, observing Anarchists in the wild is often a treat. However, after years of being confronted with this dilemma, many anarchists have opted to use the balaclava as a means of hiding their identity. Many prefer to keep one in their backpack while they wear the bandana, as a more anonymous mask will be needed when they start to “bloc up”. Ever resourceful, Anarchists can transform a T-shirt into a makeshift balaclava. Although it is very rare for an Anarchist to sport any brand of clothing, their allegiance to Dickie’s brand jackets and pants defies this principal, as it is almost an exclusive accessory. Dickie’s, a very union-friendly manufacturer, is a necessity if you claim to be a friend of the working man, which, of course, all Anarchists are. An Anarchist will almost exclusively wear a black T-shirt to go with the ensemble. If the T-shirt has any design at all, it will mostly likely be nondescript – no brand names, of course. To round off the apparel, thick black boots are a must, but to stay cool during the summer, Converse high-tops are preferred. It is not uncommon to find an Anarchist carrying a cell phone in their Dickie’s pant pocket. Like their fellow traveler Communists and Islamothugs, they have no problem using the technologies made possible only by Western-style capitalism and property rights to serve their purposes. Track cell phones are highly preferred, which allows them to make phone calls without leaving a paper trail – a must if you want to organize activities under the police’s radar. If the Anarchist is active in the circle, he will most likely have a backpack, chock full of practical items such as spray paint, crystal meth, and books on do-it-yourself munitions. The backpack also stores his fold-up tent pole, which can quickly be attached to their black flag
THE ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES
First named as a political species by William Godwin in 1793, Anarchists have appeared in Russia, France, and the United States. They were particularly popular in the late nineteenth century, when they realized the attempted assassination of German Emperor William I (1878), the Haymarket bombing in Chicago that killed eight policemen and dozens of laborers (1886), the assassination of President Sadi Carnot of France
(1894), the assassination of Empress Elizabeth of Austria (1898), the assassination of King Humbert I of Italy (1900), and the assassination of
U. S. President McKinley (1901). Anarchists made a surprisingly strong showing at the World Trade Organization meeting in Seattle in 1999, where they used hockey sticks to fire tear gas canisters back at the police. Anarchists may be vegetarians, naturopaths, nudists or Esperanto speakers. They may describe themselves as evolutionary Anarchists, revolutionary Anarchists, Communist Anarchists, individual Anarchists, philosophical
Anarchists, anarchafeminists, and anarcho-syndicalists, but George Bernard Shaw probably got it right when he observed, “Anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you.” Although continual rejection by mainstream society is a crucial ingredient in the making of an Anarchist, what separates Anarchists from their intellectual cousins the Communists (besides lots of black clothing) is a hyper inflated sense of superiority. Add some bad childhood grounding experiences, a heap of unpaid parking tickets, and a nihilistic rejection of the intellect and you’re well on your way to understanding this species’ psychological underpinnings.
Observing a lone Anarchist in the wild is extremely rare and has never been documented. During a protest, Anarchists will travel in herds, moving in an agitated and liquid state, much faster than the other species found at a protest. A spontaneous grouping together of disparate smaller groups of Anarchists is called a “huddle” and is usually followed by a spirited display of property damage (any readily available icon of capitalism is fair game, with Starbucks being the target of choice). A group of four or more are called a “collective”, a “direct action” group up to eight is called a “krew”, and any group larger than twenty is called a “mob”. If you find yourself near a “mob”, it is highly advisable to seek shelter, as it is the signaling of an imminent “bloc” activity. Not to say that Anarchists are by any means dangerous - this is more of an issue of staying away from the tear gas when the police moves in to neutralize our enthusiastic specimens. It has been hypothesized that Anarchists are slowly becoming immune to tear gas and new, more powerful strains are evolving.
This species can be found in the more metropolitan areas of the United States and Europe, with a disproportionately high concentration of Anarchists in the Bay Area. Now, while at first it might seem that the Bay Area’s notoriously high cost of living would make for a harsh environment for Anarchists to thrive in; this species is quite content to live meagerly and has found many ways to get around paying for things. Stealing from any business is not only condoned, it’s considered a public service.
As befitting their revolt against any sort of structure or order, the Anarchist breed is largely decentralized, with little in the way of organized leadership. They generally operate as independent cells, many of which might be run out of their parents’ basement.
Anarchists will migrate en masse towards Republican National Conventions and G-8 meetings. Scientists have not yet discovered what biological mechanism causes such orderly patterns of migration, but it is hypothesized that Anarchists have an innate biological attraction to events involving people in power and find these travels cathartic, as nothing makes an Anarchist happier than causing violence, forcing the police to respond and thus justifying their fantasy visions about the repression of capitalist society.
NOTED HISTORICAL SPECIMEN:
Emma Goldman Meet Emma, Anarchy’s grandma. But don’t get too cuddly - in 1892 she plotted to murder Henry Frick, a steel industrialist, and had her boyfriend carry it out. Frick survived, but was shot three times and stabbed twice with a poisoned knife. She even incited a Polish émigré to assassinate William McKinley. To modern anarchists, this is cause for some serious street cred.
CALL OR SLOGAN
The commodity is the opium of the people.
The more you consume the less you live.
THE PARTY LINE
Anarchy will revolutionize the world as we know it, offering mankind complete liberation from work, breaking down all barriers of authority so that man can live and share the earth harmoniously and cooperatively. In the anarchist world, you will be free to do as you wish as no man-made barriers will be there to thwart you, and no one will hurt you as it would be against man’s true instinct to do so.
BETWEEN THE LINES
Anarchist philosophy is boilerplate Marxism without the fancy economic mechanics. If they were truly just against “man-made barriers” then they would appreciate American constitutionalism and hate the rigidity of Communist and Islamic societies. Of course, just the opposite is true, as Anarchists like to sneak in at the end of the sales pitch that all private property will be abolished. Their utopia vision is that when our society adopts anarchism everyone will voluntarily surrender their property to the public and there will be little if any need for use of force. Those who insist on owning the products of their labor will be dealt with, since according to anarchism, all property is theft. Implicit in this view is the notion that once all vestiges of civilization have been destroyed and we have been reduced to the level of savages, there will no longer be good or bad or any standards of objective merit, and the human race will finally be liberated in total equality.
IN THEIR OWN WORDS
“The Sling Shot - It is cheap, legal to carry, silent, fast-loading and any right size rock will do for a missile. A few hours of shooting stones at cans in the back yard or up on the roof will make you marksman enough for those fat bank windows and even fatter pigs.”
– Abbie Hoffman in Steal This Book
Powell, William. The Anarchist Cookbook (1970). An anarchist classic, that has nothing to do with politics but a lot to do with drugs and bombs. Chapters include “Drugs: From Pot to Hydrangea Leaves,” and “Explosives and Booby Traps: From How to Make Nitroglycerine to Cacodyl.”
BEST OF BREED
Pierre Joseph Proudhon (1809-65) -- Successful French Anarchist who helped lead thirty thousand Frenchmen to their deaths in the Paris Revolution of 1848. Favorite quote: ” Property is robbery.“ Mikhail Bakunin (1814-76) -- Russian Anarchist who split with Karl Marx over the need for a transitional workers‘ state and the proper recipe for borscht. Ya Basta -- European Anarchist group present at the November 1999
World Trade Organization protest in Seattle, whose padded white overalls made them look like Anarchist Michelin men (and women). The Angry Brigade -- Group of London Anarchists who succeeded in bombing the home of the British Home Secretary in 1971 and later bombed the home of the managing director of Ford in London.
Level One (couch commando) – If you spot a stray Anarchist, ask him to explain how an anarchist society would actually work. Since he rarely gets confronted with such questions, the Anarchist will likely seek refuge among the rest of his Anarchist mob.
Level Two (fairly concerned citizen) - Hand out balaclavas with the eyes sewn shut to less affluent Anarchists. Level Three (ProtestWarrior) – During a protest, put a mock
Starbucks sign on the local police headquarters’ window. Anarchists will instinctively gather and will eventually throw a brick through the window. The Anarchists will be arrested and placed in jail, making it easier for the police to keep track of them.
Communist: Anyone who likes the things you have, wants them for his own, and doesn’t mind if a totalitarian state is what it takes to make that happen.
Communists are considered the Maytag repair men of liberal protestors, few and far but somehow still devoted to a profoundly lost cause. Even after the ocean of blood that has been spilled implementing the core tenet “From each according to his ability to each according to his need,” this twisted species is undaunted and marches on without a moment’s pause, making them the True Believers of the leftist underworld. Communists love to talk theory – how a single political party (the Communist Party) must control the means of production and the distribution of wealth in order to create a classless society. They are absolutely certain that the “dictatorship of the proletariat” is inevitable, that capitalism will crumble, and that all wealth will be communally owned. The Communist will say all these things, and believe them fervently, even when confronted with the facts that communism has been a disastrous failure wherever it’s been tried and has caused incalculable misery around the world. Many experts have determined that communists"
"** INTELLECTUALS -- "Since the 1960s, American universities have become the main breeding grounds and feeding troughs for Intellectuals. ... One of their most interesting behavior patterns is that they rarely make public statements about subjects in which they are trained. They make profound and sweeping statements about the global economy, human rights, the environment and international politics even though they teach linguistics or art history."
** COLLEGE STUDENTS -- "College Students feign a constant state of indignation – at the current administration, at corporations, at the racism and sexism pervading their college campuses. Many find relief in submitting letters to the editor of their campus paper... Other College Students who need a more tangible outlet for their progressive angst join or start student activist groups which purport to fight the injustice of sweatshops, defend union workers, or protect the environment and the rights of animals."
** HOLLYWOOD ACTIVISTS -- "A member of the Hollywood community elite who uses the capitalist fruits of wealth and fame to promote a socialist agenda. ...A typical public political statement given by a Hollywood Activist will glaringly contradict how they conduct their personal lives. For instance, a Hollywood Activist who is fervently anti-gun will employ a small army of armed guards to protect her life and property."
** BLACKTIVISTS -- "Blacktivists are very careful not to do anything that might cause them to be perceived as sellouts by other Blacktivists, and if they must watch Friends or listen to Steely Dan, they usually do so in private. Speaking out against the thuggery championed in rap music is strictly forbidden, and can cost the violating Blacktivist all his street cred. A large vocabulary, good grades, infrequent use of "peace out", and a high paying job in the private sector are all cause for suspicion, and voting Republican is immediate grounds for eternal banishment."
** HACKTIVISTS -- "Anyone who manipulates a computer system without authorization to promote a political ideology. ... Handling Tips: (1) Make a phone call to parents informing them of their son's misdeeds -- will result in hacktivist being ground and computer access revoked for up to two months. (2) Introduce hacktivist to a girl -- will render all thoughts of hacktivism a waste of time."
** GRANOLAS -- "Hippy environmentalists who would rather save a blind salamander than a human being. ... Habitat: Look for Granolas in trees. Yes, trees. ‘Tree sitting' consists of climbing to the top of a tree and chaining oneself to the trunk to prevent loggers from cutting it down. Sometimes Granolas stay in the tree for days, truly becoming one with nature as they linger without basic hygiene."
** PEACE MOMS -- "A member of the suburban leisure class who has an overwhelming desire to ‘make a difference.' ... by far the best smelling of all the species ... Handling Tips: Interview her about the evils of capitalism and follow up by asking her where her husband works."
** ISLAMOTHUGS -- "A Muslim who attributes all of his ills to the existence of the U.S. and Israel. ... Much of his belligerence stems from an intense insecurity over the disastrous condition of societies living under Islamic law. In fact, the intensity of the Islamothug's dementia is in direct proportion to his country's misery index."
** PERFORMANCE ARTISTS -- "It is easy to pick out a Performance Artist at a protest. Just look around at the crowd. Is there a big, awkward, ready-to-collapse puppet that vaguely looks human? Are there some crude political ideas expressed with even cruder papier-mache creations? Are there individuals in skull face paint? These are all Performance Artists. Some Performance Artists write skits or do "interpretive" dances in sympathy with the world's oppressed, letting the obvious symbolism speak so eloquently for whatever it is that they believe. And what is it they believe? That big puppets have political influence? That skeletons will scare conservatives into becoming liberals? No one is quite sure..."
** CLOSET NAZIS -- "An Anglo-American who hides behind incessant political criticism of Israel to mask a seething anti-Semitism. ... When not at protests, Closet Nazis spend most of their time on the Internet. This provides for an ideal habitat, as they are free to revel in their unalloyed perversity, and to do so anonymously. Other activities include endless debating over the Byzantine network of convoluted conspiracy theories regarding Jewish worldwide domination and the eminent extinction of the white race."
***This is all from the Book "A Field Guide to Left-Wing Wackos"***
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