The Department of Homeland Security offers some tips that might help you survive a shooting rampage. A few things I got from this video:

1. Unlike home-grown terrorists who plant bombs, crazed shooters won't be white guys in hoodies. They'll be white guys with military crew cuts.

2. Buildings that prohibit legally concealed handguns are prime targets of crazed shooters. They figure, if they're going to kill a bunch of people anyway, why not break a few additional laws. The bastard probably also tore the labels off his mattress before he left home.

3. RUN AWAY! Try and grab a few slower people to take with you. They'll make a great distraction if you run into the shooter. (This also works well during Zombie attacks.)

4. HIDE! Turn off phones. Because, while a huge Xerox copier blocking the door won't reveal your hiding place to the shooter, the Obama speech snippet you use as a ring tone might.

5. KILL the one woman who screams "OH MY GOD!" as soon as you whisper "Shhh! There's a lunatic shooter in the building!"

6. FIGHT! The shooter will most likely leave you alone if you pelt him with office supplies. Imagine how many lives could have been saved had the victims in Colorado just thrown their popcorn at the attacker. Plus, everyone knows an object thrown goes much faster and is more accurate than a bullet fired from a rifle.

7. The fact you survive without a weapon proves beyond all doubt GUN CONTROL works! If you don't survive, well, that just means we need more gun control.