EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to

take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly

deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family

that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'. I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out

of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new

one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ...
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up

on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good

except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob

replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with

purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient

had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she

was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic

hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep

off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's

dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed

when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had

unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running

down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer

Wiener.'

Dr wouldn't submit his name....


1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a

little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for

a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is

underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

-



Four men were golfing buddies. One a doctor, one a preacher, a lawyer and a

retired man. The retired man became terminally ill and told the others he wanted

to take his money with him. He said: "I have $30,000 and what I want to do is

give each of you $10,000 for you to drop in my coffin as you go by".

After the funeral, the three were sitting together quietly until the preacher spoke

up and said: "I have a confession to make. The number of homeless people that

come for dinner has risen making it difficult to manage. I used the money to buy

new modern equipment".

A few moments later the doctor spoke up. "Too many children do not come for

check-ups because their parents cannot afford it, so I set up a fund for them to

do so at no charge."

Time went on and the lawyer did not say anything. The doctor and preacher

looked at him with suspicion and one asked: "What about you?" The lawyer

said: "I gave him the money. I wrote a personal check for $10,000 and put it in

there".

-
One afternoon two cub scouts ran into their scoutmaster. They told him: "We did

our good deed for the day". When asked what they did, they said: "We helped

an old lady across the street". The scoutmaster said: "That's fine, but why did it

take two of you". "Because she did'nt really want to go".

-
A blond football jock and his buddy were talking at a bar.
Jock: You know, I ran into this beautimus maximus chick the other day.
Buddy: So where did you meet her? Jock: I was driving out in the country and
she was at the side of the road in a Porche with a flat tire. I asked her if she
needed help. She said 'yes', so I changed her tire.
Buddy: Did you get a date or anything?
Jock: No. She took off all her clothes and said: "Anything you want".
Buddy: So what did you do?
Jock: I took the car.
Buddy: Why did you do that?
Jock: Well, the clothes would not have fit me.


A man and his wife were visiting Jerusalem with her mother and during the trip

her mother dies. The man inquires about the cost of having the body sent back

to the US. He was told it would be about $5000, but she could be buried there

for only $150. The man said: "No, I want to send her back to the States". The

mortician said: "You must have really loved your mother-in-law to go to that

expense". The man said: "No. A little over two thousand years ago a man died

and after three days rose from the dead. I can't take that chance".