If you're like me then you're sick and tired of people blaming America for everything that's wrong with the world. Every action of self-defense or commerce undertaken by the USA is cast in the worst possible light and every national hero, new and old, is vilified as a tool in a monstrous system stretching back more than four centuries.
I want to puke my goddamn guts out every time I hear some grade F sissy rushing to apologize for something America did. These people even act like they feel embarrassed by the United States.
I'm not going to get all John Wayne on you, but it's time to respect our country's accomplishments. I celebrate the United States, warts and all. I'm fed up with jelly-backs, Blame-America-Firsters, and eurocommie wusses trashing My Country.
I am Unapologetically American and it's time to take back the flag!
I love my SUV. Fourteen miles to the gallon and runs on premium. I've got GPS and seat-back DVD players. I have a PS3 built into a cabinet in the dash and a flip-down 10-inch LCD for the passenger. There's a 40-disc changer in the back, a dock for my iPod, and enough flywheels under the hood to power a display of Christmas lights.
Have you ever had an American hamburger? We make 'em all ways. They're great with cheddar, mushrooms, beefsteak tomatoes, bacon, and grilled onions. We've got sesame seed buns, kaiser rolls, and for the adventurous; donuts. I like hot peppers and A1 on mine. Nothing less than half a pound of ground beef, sliced from the side of a shorthorn with a heart corn-fed to bursting and blood pumped full of enough antibiotics to cure a vampire's bronchitis.
Nothing beats our combo restaurants. I love walking into a gas station's Burger King and getting exactly the Dunkin Donuts I wanted. Nothing tops the feeling of tossing your Taco Bell wrappers into the A&W Rootbeer trash can. It's exhilarating.
Imagine everyone in the poop shanties of Slum Dog Millionaire standing just off camera watching this place get torched.
People give Hollywood a hard time, they churn out some stinkers, but nobody makes movies like Hollywood. Name any other country that makes better movies. I don't remember Turkish Spiderman opening on 2,000 screens.
We make movies about robots with budgets bigger than the GDP of some island nations. Did you see that Batman movie? They must have blown up three blocks of Chicago making that thing.
What about Terminator 2? That Cyberdyne building they blow up looked brand new. Think about that. Think about building a whole office building and then blowing it up for a movie. That's America, bro.
We blow up museums and 3,000 year old dusty minarets and shit in Baghdad and that stuff is lucky to end up on Liveleak. Hollywood doesn't give a shit. You ever seen a French movie? I saw one once. Everybody was smoking and talking and not one mention of a meteor or alien. If it's worth watching and it ain't American then Hollywood will just remake it better.
You ever seen that ring movie? "Ring," I think it's called. That was Chinese first, but then they cut out the Chinese people and put in a hot American broad.
Speaking of the arts, goddamn I love USA porno. I love cum in the eyes of a teenage runaway in San Fernando. I love to see HD close-ups of injection sites on feet and prolapsed assholes that will never quite heal. I love bad techno and gagging and girls crying because it hurts. I want to hear the one that looks like my sister with fake tits call the guy fucking her up the shitter a *****. I want to see somebody's rock bottom preserved on video. Preferably an MPEG4.
Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to smoke crystal and grind on truckers in Missouri. I love Fleshlights and Real Dolls and latex asses you stick to the wall. I love reducing a woman to a single body part and then slathering that body part with water-based lubrication and having sex with it. Supply and demand is so American.
From the beauty of love to the horrors of war. Everybody hates war. War is hell, sure, but as Adrian said in Little Nicky, "It's better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven." Let me tell you, buddy, this ain't volleyball. America fucking rules. We don't go around starting shit, but we put America first and when it comes time we take some names.
Take Afghanistan and Iraq. People are always boohooing about that shit, but the casualty ratio is like easily 50 or 75 to 1. You find me one team in baseball that goes 50 and 1. I'm no math wizard, but I know for damn sure there aren't two billion of those terrorist fuckers running around Iraq, so the math just is not going to work for them. We'll get 'em all eventually and when we're done fighting them over there we'll end the war on terror.
We have been kicking ass for years. Gulf War one, we bombed the crap out of them, ran Saddam's army out of Kuwait in a couple days, and then trapped 'em all on a highway leading to Iraq. We kicked their butt so bad in that battle on the highway that they called it the Highway of Death. You tell me that isn't badass.
There's a great sniper spot behind the two big air conditioners on this map.
Even when we lose we kick ass. Blackhawk Down, did you see that? Crash a fucking helicopter and then the special forces dude is like "put me down" and he shoots them until he runs out of ammo.
South America? Forget it. A gnat so much as farts next to a Coca Cola bottler and we'll have Triple Canopy advisers there inside a week paying right wing rebel groups to machete anybody in a red t-shirt. If that doesn't work a bunch of CIA agents will show up in your capital wearing Ray-Bans and photo vests and inside a month you'll have a new president. We fucked Guatemala up forever so we could have cheaper bananas. No shit.
Oh, and by the way, only time anybody got nuked? Thank us. We nuked Japan and we were so hardass we saw what happened and went ahead and did it again. Why? Because they deserved it. Fucked that country's head up so bad they made a cartoon about their modern navy time traveling back to the 1940s to stop us. And look at this shit:
Eyeballs all melting out and dogs getting fried. The Lost Decade didn't look like red arrows on the Nikkei, it looked like mushroom clouds and half a million pounds of incendiary bombs slamming into buildings with paper walls. The Japanese just can't get over it.
For Christ's sake, how many cartoons have you seen real men like us make crying about being decapitated or subjected to pressure experiments? There was one with Donald Duck and Charlie Chan, but that doesn't count because it was played for laughs. "Ohhhhh Donard subject you to negative eight atmosphere and you inside pop out you cloacae!"
I love money. Wall Street: shit yes. Greed isn't good, it's great. I love fictional products I don't understand being sold to me by coked out frat boys who don't understand them. I like buying in and rolling the dice. I like paying 600 grand for a two bedroom in Calabasas. I offset my low flow toilets that can't handle my Venti American bricks by maintaining a lawn that looks like the grounds at Versailles. I like my giant mortgage exploding into a thousand pieces and ricocheting around the planet from bank to bank until everybody owns a piece of me and nobody wants to lower my rates.
And you know what? I fucking love the idea of someone totally unrelated, just some fat fuck watching a computer screen in New York, somehow getting rich off of that happening. That rules. That's American as shit. I love it so much I hope the government pays that fucker's bonus for the next two years. Hell yes!
I love reading about micro lending and carbon credits and motherfucking Oxfam and then having a good laugh. I support Israel 100% at all times, because that's terrorist shit over there. I like to think about people too weak from starvation and disease to blink the flies out of their eyes while I wait for Steven to package my MeatZZa Feast in a HeatWave carrier and bring it to my door. I like no-kill shelters for retired racing dogs and laws that allow doctors to refuse the morning after pill to a sobbing teenage girl. God loves America's rape babies.
America is the greatest country on earth. What other country is full of people who have never talked to their immediate neighbor, but have armed themselves to shoot him if he walks into their backyard to pick up a Frisbee? Not Norway or Spain. How many weapons caches are there in Amsterdam? How many church buses full of Norinco Type 56s are buried behind a farmhouse in Hertfordshire? You Brits may know how to tear the shit out of a soccer stadium, but are you prepared for the events of 2012?
Just wait until those CGI fireworks are marching along the Champs-Elysees. Then you America-haters will be begging for our help. I am. I'm ready for whatever is in the cards, whether it's Red Dawn, Left Behind, or ID4. I stay frosty by wearing a Ghillie Suit when I paintball and I stockpile MREs I buy on ebay. I have a camping chair that can support 1000 pounds, which is good, because if I keep training this hard I'm going to need it. All of those people who are so quick to blame this country won't be complaining when the Michigan militia saves the world from the Chinese.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Forgot about them, didn't you? Just because a black man got elected you forgot about the CGI fireworks at the Olympics and the creepy eight year old gymnasts they grow in vats. I think you'll be singing some Lee Greenwood when those lithe little munchkins get unleashed on Europe. You'll need us when they're annexing India and bombing you with knockoff F-22s they built from a PDF they downloaded off of the Lockheed website.
For the rest of you, those of you unafraid to wear the Stars and Stripes on a shirt in Hamburg or London, I tip my Stetson. Don't be shy. Don't be bashful. By God, we live in the greatest country on earth, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
One Unapologetic American
Contributing writer for "Something Awful.com"
Editor "Geist" Magazine
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