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Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community

After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:


Click to view image: 'efba823a6e42-amd_obamawatchestv.jpg'
Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.


Added: Apr-11-2009 
By: Songun
In:
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Tags: pirates, appeasement, weakness, message to enemies, national security
Views: 9117 | Comments: 32 | Votes: 0 | Favorites: 2 | Shared: 0 | Updates: 0 | Times used in channels: 1
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  • The sooner the "Obama Haters" section is created, the better.

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • A black pirate walks into a bar/pub with a parrot on his shoulder. He orders a drink and the barman says " hey thats neat, where did you get that from ?". The parrot says " africa....there's millions of em there".

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • Have I told you all about my belt buckle made from a ship's wheel?


    It's drivin' me nuts.


    Yaarr.

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

    (3) | Report

  • waste of bandwidth.

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

    (2) | Report

  • I pirate walked into a bar

    Arghhhhhhhh

    (He walked into a bar as in a bar of steel but the joke is typicaly know as a pub so thats why it's funny)

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

    (2) | Report

    • A pirate walked into a bar

      Arghhhhhhhh

      (He walked into a bar as in a bar of steel but the joke is typicaly known as a pub so thats why it's funny)

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

      (0) | Report

    • Comment of user 'femdyke25' has been deleted by author (after account deletion)!
    • A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
      "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
      The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
      "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

      "Yeah," says the bartender, "But More..

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • I don't know what you guys are bitchin' about...

    'Cause that was fucking funny...Funny is good, even at the expense of Barry Obama, I mean Barry Soetoro, or, isn't it also Barack Soetoro?... AND Barry Dunham... plus Barack Dunham....ahem...Oh, almost forgot the CURRENT one, Barrack Hussein Obama. (whew)

    Did I miss any aliases?

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • we've been hearing about Somali pirates for some time and now and how they have hijacked numerous ships but when the ship is flying an American flag, somehow the story becomes super important now? Gimme a break.

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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    • they can't carry guns on those ships. why are you so quick to think this is another gov't conspiracy>?
      i think you are a black kid, upset that his native people are acting like fools.
      thats just the impression i get from reading your drool. sorry if it came off as racist and that i am NOT

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

      (-1) | Report

    • ???

      ...and giraffes have long necks too. What the hell are you cluckin' about? Gov conspiracy? That thought wasnt even on the radar when I made my comments. The you assume im a 'black kid' whos embarrassed by my people? HOLY JESUS AGE CHRIST!?

      Listen, im not sure if english is your first language (and that would be perfectly OK if it wasnt) but you should really make sure you know what your talking (and typing) about before engaging me in any kind of conversation since I dunno what the he More..

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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    • We don't pay ransom.

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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    • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iran-Contra_affair

      care to revise that statement?

      Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • If they can trace the cell phone call of some rebel leaders in Afghanistan and send a rocket to that location, why do the act so weak now? Black Gold ? Texas Tea?

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • Comment of user 'jsczerby' has been deleted by author (after account deletion)!
  • rofl^^^

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

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  • 'cringe'
    um...

    who is this? black chavez?

    Posted Apr-11-2009 By 

    (-3) | Report