There may be no use crying over spilled milk, but thanks to writer Alexander Koplow, now we can at least have a few laughs over stolen milk.
Mr Koplow, who lives in Los Angeles, ran into a common problem over Memorial Day weekend: he wanted cereal, but had no milk.
Battling with an insatiable hunger and thirst, he opted to steal some from his roommate Mark, leaving a two-page opus in its absence.
'Mark,' the letter begins, 'Right about now you might be thinking, "Hey, what happened to my milk? It looks like somebody opened it and drank some of it."'
He goes on to share, in painstaking detail, the thoughts that crossed his mind when he opted to take the milk, ranging from contemplations on Dr Seuss to the acclaimed film Milk.
Mark and Mr Koplow's third roommate, Scott May, happened upon the correspondence and decided to post the most unusual note to Reddit and photo sharing site Imgur.
What is no doubt Mr Koplow's most well received piece has already received more than 879,971 views.
In the letter, Mr Koplow explains what perils forced his hand to pilfer the drink.
'1. I wanted to eat cereal.'
'2. I didn't have any milk of my own.'
'3. Scott didn't have any milk in the fridge.'
'4. I considered using Scott's instant egg white things, but because they kind of look like milk cartons. but ultimately I decided against that because the repercussions wouldn't really be worth it and eggs on cereal? That's silly. I know I'm a great writer, but I'm no Dr. Seuss.'
'5. You were gone. I missed you. Perhaps drinking your milk was some subconscious, deep-rooted attempt at connecting with you. So asking why i took your milk is probably as unanswerable as asking why the heart does anything.'
What You Crave: Battling with an insatiable hunger and thirst, he opted to steal some from his roommate Mark, leaving a two-page opus in its absence
The mental gymnastics only get more complicated from there.
Mr Koplow initially addresses the imagined accusation that he was too lazy to buy his own milk, to which he concedes, yes, he just didn't feel like it.
'I did not forget to buy milk at the store. I just didn't do it,' he said, acknowledging it was irresponsible to buy cereal without milk.
He then goes on to illicit pity, pointing out that he is lactose intolerant and he's doesn't usually imbibe milk, let alone purchase it.
'I'm allergic to lactose. Yes, that is difficult to deal with, but it's my cross to bear,' he writes.
He says he contemplated going through Mark's room looking for cash with which to purchase the dairy product, but decided that would not be the best course of action.
'Now, I could have gone through your room looking for some cash to take from you or perhaps goods to trade, but I thought you wouldn't like that. So, as I'm positive you would have wanted, I took the best course of action: taking some of your milk,' he rationalizes.
Cute kid: What is no doubt Mr Koplow's most well received piece has already received more than 879,971 views. The writer as a child (pictured right)
Overshare: He goes on to share, in painstaking detail, every single thought that crossed his mind when he opted to take the milk, ranging from contemplations on Dr. Seuss to the acclaimed film Milk
Mr Koplow recounts how the previous evening, Mark offered him three beers, but he only drank two. Therefore, the portion of milk could conceivably take the place of the third beer he was offered.
'That third beer, which in some sense I still have a claim to, was in the fridge last night. I did NOT drink that,' he said.
When choosing between an entire beer and a sip of milk, Mr Koplow generous chose to deprive his friend of the milk, surely less of a loss than an entire beer.
'If you disagree with this decision, you really have no one to blame but yourself. I was simply acting on your behalf,' he said.
Then he begins discussing the necessary 'reparations,' which can come in the form of one glass of orange juice.
'I won't even mention that I used far less than a glass of milk or that a glass of juice from my carton is a tremendously higher percentage of the whole than I took from your milk,' he writes. 'I won't even mention those things.'
He also offers to throw in a Blu-Ray copy of the Sean Penn movie Milk.
'That was a joke. Doesn't it feel good to laugh again?' he kids.
Finally, he proposes to kick back and down a twelve pack of beer together, letting bygones be bygones.
Payback: Then he begins discussing the necessary 'reparations,' which can come in the form of one glass of orange juice.
'The milk meant more to me than you'll ever know,' he says. 'The next time I'm in a position like the one i was in last night, I'll feel confident that the right hing to do is drink your milk. You're a giver. It's just your nature. I love that about you.'
He finishes the note with a sweet declaration: 'You're my Rushmore, Mark,' and signs it Alexander 'Crab Claw' Koplow.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2153006/The-milk-meant-youll-know-Man-pens-hilarious-long-letter-roommate-stealing-milk.html#ixzz1wXapx6rV
In: Other Entertainment
Tags: Obnoxious, roommate, apology, funny, long, letter
Location: Los Angeles, California, United States (load item map)
Marked as: approved
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