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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News -- A Satirical Look at Recent News

what you know they're thinking w/o actually saying..

Obama Scraps Idea of Billing Vets for Service-Related Injuries

Bad press, including major mockery of the plan by comedian Jon Stewart, led to President Obama abandoning his proposal to require veterans’ private health insurance to cover the estimated $540 million annual cost to the federal government of treatment for injuries to military personnel received during their tours on active duty.

The President admitted that he was puzzled by the magnitude of the opposition to his proposal. “Look, it’s an all volunteer force,” Obama complained. “Nobody made these guys go to war. They had to have known and accepted the risks. Now they whine about bearing the costs of their choice? It doesn’t compute.”

“I thought these were people who were proud to sacrifice for their country,” Obama continued. “I wasn’t asking for blood—just money. With the country facing the worst financial crisis in its history, I’d have thought that the patriotic thing to do would be to try to help reduce the nation’s deficit. I guess I underestimated the selfishness of some of my fellow Americans.”

President Urges Citizenship for Illegal Immigrants

In a meeting with the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, President Barack Obama called on congress to enact legislation that would lead to citizenship status for heretofore illegal immigrants, calling it “simple common sense.”

“They won’t be illegals if we make them citizens,” Obama argued. “The problem of substandard wages would be ended. Employers wouldn’t be able to abuse these undocumented workers like they do now. Human rights would be protected.”

The President also cited other benefits as an unappreciated gain. “Many of these migrants perish in difficult treks under harsh climatic conditions,” Obama said. “If we open the borders, those wanting to enter this country won’t have to endure this risk. In addition, immigrants will provide a robust augmentation of our population, strengthening American democracy.”

In related news, Obama advised out-of-work Americans to “take a page out of the hard-working Latinos’ book. These undocumented workers always seem to find jobs. You know, an off-the-books job might not be so bad. You get paid in cash. You don’t have to file an income tax. You get to keep every dollar you earn.”

Many Gitmo Prisoners to Be Released in the US

Attorney General Eric Holder said that Gitmo detainees requesting to be released into the United States will likely have their request honored.

“Many of these men have lost years of their lives rotting in prison,” Holder said. “The Bush Administration has committed a grave injustice against them. We owe it to them to try to set things right. A number of them said that they were on their way to the United States on important and confidential business when their journeys were interrupted. Assisting them in completing their interrupted business seems only fair.”

Holder said that in addition to airline tickets to their destinations of choice, the releasees would “potentially be eligible for a share of ‘stimulus money,’ as compensation for income foregone during their incarceration and to help ensure they won’t become ‘public charges.’”

In related news, in an effort to divert America from the “politics of fear practiced by the Bush Administration,” Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano has banned her staff from describing bombings, shootings, and beheadings carried out by Islamic extremists as “acts of terror.” Henceforth, these attacks are to be known as “man-caused disasters.”

Legislation Cracking Down on Unauthorized Food Sales Proposed

Representative Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) has introduced the Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009. Her bill calls for the creation of a Food Safety Administration that would regulate food production and distribution at all levels.

DeLauro characterized the bill as “a necessary codicil to a comprehensive national health policy. If the government is going to bear the expense of insuring that everyone has health care, then we need to deal with all the potential sources of illness.”

The congresswoman cautioned against “assuming that you can ‘fly under the radar’ just because you are operating outside the normal channels of commerce. Roadside fruit vendors, church bake sales and kids’ lemonade stands won’t be exempt. No one has the right to inflict salmonella and e-coli on their neighbors.”

If the legislation passes, those wishing to sell food would be required to purchase government licenses and submit to regular inspections. Those failing to comply with the new regulations could be penalized by having their property seized, be fined up to $1 million per offense and/or be sentenced to spend time in jail.

FBI Adds “Constitution Defenders” to Terrorist Watch List

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has added “Constitution defenders” to its list of dangers that require monitoring and surveillance. Examples of other dangerous elements according to the FBI include the Ku Klux Klan, neo-Nazis, and tax protestors.

“We can’t afford to wait until something bad happens before we take notice of people who may pose a danger,” declared Attorney General Eric Holder. “We have to consider the subtle indicators of potential enemies of the state.”

“‘Constitution defenders’ includes a broad category of persons deemed apt to present a danger,” Holder contended. “I mean, no normal person pays so much attention to the Constitution. The repeated mention of the Constitution in letters, conversations, blogs and such is, in my opinion, a marker of a potentially unbalanced mind. Keeping an eye on these people is a warranted precaution.”

Press Secretary Explains President’s “Apparent” Special Olympics Gaffe

In his history-making appearance on the Tonight Show, President Barack Obama stunned the nation with his offhand crack “I bowl like one of those retards in the Special Olympics.”

During last Fall’s presidential race, Obama inspired titters by scoring a 37 in a bowling match in Pennsylvania. He says, though, that he’s been practicing in the White House alley and has recently scored as high as 129 in a single game.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans “show some class by not mocking the President’s lack of skills or his choice of words in describing them. The President has had to overcome some serious handicaps and adversities to rise as high as he has in the world. No Special Olympian has achieved as much as he has.”

Gibbs said that the challenge to a “bowl-off” that Obama has received from the cognitively impaired Kolan McConiughey “vindicates the President’s humility about his bowling abilities. That a Special Olympian like Mr. McConiughey would offer to bowl with the President validates the President’s perception of where he stands vis à vis the competition.”

McConiughey, is said to have an IQ of around 50 and a bowling average of 212 a game.

President Seeks Authority to Seize Troublesome Companies

Smarting from public criticism over how his administration handled the AIG bailout and bonus scandal, President Obama is requesting that congress empower him to seize control of firms in order to protect the public interest. The proposed legislation would establish a new “Resolution Authority” with powers similar to those possessed by the FDIC, but not restricted to just banks.

“If embarrassments like those presented by AIG are to be avoided in the future, the government needs broad authority to take preemptive action before things get out of hand,” Obama told reporters. “The credibility of my administration, indeed, the entire government itself, is at stake. The confidence the American people have my message of hope and change must not be allowed to waver due to a lack of sufficient tools at my disposal.”

“We need to ensure that the appropriate use of the country’s resources is attained,” Obama declared. “Are the right people receiving the appropriate compensation? Are the assets being used in the best interests of the people? The answers to these questions cannot be left to an unconstrained free market. The government has an obligation to see to it that businesses exercise an adequate measure of social responsibility.”

Under the legislation, a finding of “public necessity” by the governing board of the Resolution Authority would trigger federal seizure of any businesses or assets deemed essential to protect the public interest.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.

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Added: Dec-9-2009 
By: HydrogenEconomy
Tags: satire, satirical, john, semmens, semi, news
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