This channel reflects the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental;

Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; Dates marked on the calendar may be closer than they appear;

No substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; content provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full responsibility;

An equal opportunity employer; no shoes, no shirt, no test; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to rectify them yourself, but return to an authorized service centre; read at your own risk; Explicit and / or Politically Incorrect lyrics or content; Item may contain explicit Text, Images or References some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; you must be 18 or over to read this;

Keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; Test on a small area first.

Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; contents may seem less due to settling during transit; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation and appropriate lighting;

Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; Contents may be hot after heating; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this Communiqué could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom;

No salt, MSG, artificial colour or flavouring added; no preservatives added unless stated otherwise; May contain nuts, if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, If swelling or redness or the eyes ensues on reading rinse with plenty of fresh water and consult a physician; this disclaimer is ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of London; allow four to six weeks for delivery;

Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, spontaneous combustion and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectiles (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply.

Individual dispensations from any of the above may be purchased at vastly inflated prices. Enquiries by e-mail to heavies@cyber-central.co.uk knock 3 times, say 'Big cheese at high tide' and ask for 'Delboy' (AKA Del, Wanker, Delbert, Uber Meister, Nutter).

Personal meetings will be conducted on a strictly professional and business-like manner with no hanky panky. Laughter is allowed in moderation. Adhere to designated speed rating. Warranty void if damage is caused by excessive speed or warranty card out of date.

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