"Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof."
"An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week:
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in
the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of
2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers."
The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and
killed in the US capital which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the U.S., than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington. "
"A friend of mine just started his own business in They sent my Census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'
I put ...... 'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,
the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas,
leftovers in Texas from Katrina, half of freaking Mexico, Some of the House, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!'"
"My name be Eboneesha Li Herenandez, an African Hispanic Asiatic-American
Girl who just got an award for being the bess speler in class. I got 67% on
the speling test and 30 points being black, 5 points for not bringin drugs
into class, 5 points for not bringin guns into class, and 5 points for not
gettin pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%.
White dude who sit nex to me is McGee from Ocala He got a 94% on the test
but no extra points on acount of he have the same skin color as the
opressirs of 150 years ago. Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and
Liberuls for suportin Afermative action. You be showin da way to true
eqwallity. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when
Barrac take over da healtcare in dis cuntry."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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